My new years resolution

Is to continue my work and get in better shape. Much much better shape.


Calm down and be far less angry and violent.


Learn the guitar.


Advance greatly in expirence.


Learn new important things.


Dress better.


Get into a relationship which lasts long, i actually enjoy, and find the girl that i've been looking for the past few years. She's got to be right under my nose.


Say I'm fine or happy and fucking mean it.

My life.

So, I am grounded. This isn't your stereotypical teenager rebellion kick. I need freedom. I've matured past my teen years. Which is not saying a lot judging by the example set by some of the locals. I find my self suffocating in a sea of stupidity. Stupidity would be more of a tar or quick sand than water i would assume. The harder you struggle the deeper you sink. I plan on leaving this tar pit of stupidity completely one day. But that's to come up in a different post. This post is about my grounding.

The main reason I'm grounded has to do with my grades. I Failed music and french. And came close with math. I will never need french. I do plan on traveling and french will come in handy when I'm in France for a certain amount of time. But that's all i can ever see french helping me with. And by the time i get to France i bet i wont remember half the lessons.

Music is rather ironic for me to fail. I LOVE music, but not the class. I don't care for fat women with HUGE noses belting out notes. I can appreciate the skill, but i don't enjoy it. I also could care less about reading music.

And so, i failed those subjects. Now don't get me wrong, I could do so much better. I lack motivation. And i can under stand you saying "Well Erik, isn't your future motivation enough?" No, it is not enough at all. Because my future is bleak. Chances are if i followed blindly and do well and were to "Keep my head down and plow through" then i would do so for my career as well. I would end up in a job that i hate. Pushing pencils is not only what i don't want to do ,but it is what i WILL not do. I see it as this, I would die of starvation quicker than a life filled with booze and pills to dull the pain of a life of mediocrity and mindless servitude.

Anyway, I lack motivation due to the lack of freedom given in high school. I'm not exactly thrilled about how we're rounded up like cattle, labeled ,and force fed bullshit we won't need. And how teachers act like they're gods. They assert their dominance by issuing detentions and raising their voices. Teachers don't like me because they loose their tempers. I stay cool and collected and make them look like fools.

So i fail from the lack of respect and freedom i receive from these people. I feel trapped, like the school is a weight tied to my ankle, keeping me from escaping the tar pit of stupidity we discussed earlier in this post. Or possibly even dragging me to the bottom.

So, my failing due to lack of freedom is being punish by grounding. Isn't that funny? I fail because i feel i have no freedom. So, to teach me a lesson, my father grounds me. Taking away my freedom on the out side of the school. Wheres my freedom now? I used to at least feel some satisfaction in being outside. Walking any where. Some days i would just pick a random direction and walk till I felt like there wasn't any thing left of interest for me to see. Now not only am i unmotivated in school, but also out side of school. It's killing me. I just want to drop this life and leave. Travel every where. I love my family. My dad dragged us out of poverty and he couldn't be a better person. But I'm frustrated with life in general.

I love my friends as well. But i assume in the end, I'll have to travel my own path alone. I wish i had some one. I don't care what they'd be labeled. But i guess what i need is a real relationship. I want some one smart too not just cute. Someone to connect to and trust. I want some thing real and i don't know if I'll ever find that. I want to be able to trust the person completely and not get fucked over for once. I think for most girls, i may talk about philosophy and how others aggravate me too much. And possibly how i analyze life too much. i don't know.

I really don't know, I guess that sums up my feelings right now.

I'll keep you guys posted

-Erik

"Freedom is the oxygen of the soul. ~Moshe Dayan"